My Painting

A History

I wanted to catalog this somewhere, so here we are.

original image 1/19/24

I’d been itching to take a proper self-portrait for months, but hadn’t due to a severe and ongoing photography block.

In mid-January, I took this casual selfie after a run, because runs usually make me feel extra good about myself. Especially, for some reason, when I’m running on the treadmill, and my bangs are made extra sweaty by the warm, inside air. It’s a miracle to me that I feel as confident as I do during or after a workout, because working up a sweat seems to emphasize a handful of insecurities I’ve carried since childhood:

1. my red face, made redder by exercise or embarrassment

2. my short, almost non-existent eyelashes

3. tight clothes emphasizing every curve I wish wasn’t there

Years of exposure therapy (a co-ed rowing team for four years and a solo running practice for one) have softened me to these features, but this photo felt like a celebration of each. Beyond that, I thought the look on my face communicated the exact feelings of power and defeat I was experiencing at the time.

I liked the image, but the blues and reds and yellows begged to be painted. It felt a hundred times easier than picking up my camera.

image with guides 1/20/24

I started in pencil, working from a grid to get the proportions right. This felt a little like cheating, but I wouldn’t have been able to get near a likeness of my own face without the breakdown.

outline 1/22/24

I wasn’t sure how far to go with the sketch, and forced myself to stop after some basic shading. At each step of the process I was scared to continue because I liked the current iteration so much.

first pass 1/27/24

Not really knowing anything about how to build the layers of an oil painting, I intended for this to be an over-saturated and high-contrast base layer that I would later go over and tone down into a realistic skin tone. I was going to make the background more blue on a second pass, and my hair more brown and yellow, but I fell in love with the colors and spent days debating how far I should reel them back.

finished painting 2/2/24

I settled here after one more painting session, preserving more than anything else the integrity of the red. I went over most of the skin with a thin peach that more resembled my real color. I landed on a flat, undistracting white for the sports bra. I spent a couple hours alone trying to make the hair look like hair. I’m realizing just now that I made quite a dramatic adjustment to the eyes, which I’m not entirely sure I won’t fix.

Many who are close to me have seen each of these updates already and are probably eager for me to move on, but I CAN’T stop LOOKING at her!!!

To stand across from your own face, for two weeks, and try to render it true, and find yourself looking on it with love, and feeling proud when you’re done. What a gift.

For you, I don’t know what it says, but for me, my painting is a testament to my unique beauty, my commitment to my health, my surprising patience, and my $300 New York City Style Bose headphones :)

detail

Happy Monday,

Jordan