On Dining

And Fighting

a guide to eating in the presence of someone you’re angry with

1. take small bites 

2. chew slowly and without vigor. 

3. don’t lick your fingers - too jovial. use a napkin.

4. in the event that tears start leaking out of your eyes, excuse yourself to the bathroom. 

5. pretend you’re wiping your nose with your forefinger, and while doing so, wipe the tears with your thumb. 

6. pick up your glass, sip once, set it back down, repeat. water only. 

7. leave a good portion on your plate.

8. don’t take leftovers. 

9. dwell on what they did that made you angry, but initiate no conversation on the matter.

10. tip extra for making the waitstaff so uncomfortable with your palpable aura of frustration and still-spiraling self-loathing. 

Hope my emotional immaturity gave you a little laugh,

(don’t pretend you’ve never been there)

<3 Jordan