Small Brooklyn Room Application

A Cover Letter

Dear Current-Tenant-Seeking-Replacement-Rent-Payer,

I am writing to you to express my desperate interest in filling your open position of renter [smallest room] at 5 bed 1 bath apartment, which I resigned myself to rejoiced in discovering two hours deep into the hellscape that is Facebook Marketplace.

What initially drew me to your listing is the fact that of the fourty-seven posts I scrolled through today, yours was one of three that didn’t photograph the apartment at night. I also admire your dedication to maintaining a no pet household, and feel strongly that I have the commitment issues and lack of budget perfectly suited to uphold this strictly fur-free environment.

When I’m not working, you can expect me to scroll LinkedIn until I’m depressed, scroll on Instagram until my head hurts, and walk in circles around the apartment because I keep moving rooms and can’t carry my water bottle, laptop, phone, cheese plate, and knitting all in one trip. My forthcoming move to Brooklyn reflects the reality that I’m a freelancer in the photo industry, who went to art school on her family’s money, and gives her friends handpoke tattoos - so you can see how this was kind of an obvious next step. I’m not sure how to prove my financial reliability other than giving you the number of my current landlord, who never answers his phone and seems even sketchier than I do. Take my word for it and I’ll take yours?

In my twenty-four years of life I have had nine roommates, and could secure glowing recommendations from probably three. I’ve come to understand myself as a roommate who cleans as she goes (except when she forgets), is very picky about decorations, doesn’t frequently hog the kitchen (but will take her time in the bathroom), and avoids confrontation at all costs. In addition, I will not be bringing any furniture with me, so you can look forward to skipping the awkward conversations about whether I can shoehorn my shitty couch into your already complete living room set. I try hard to match the vibe of every environment I enter. If you grant me the opportunity to pay you $1000 a month to live in your 7x10ft fifth bedroom, you’ll see that firsthand.

Thank you so much for your time and consideration. If I sound like a good fit, please DM me on Instagram as it will probably reach me faster than email.

Happy Saturday,

Jordan

*disclaimer in the unlikely event that any potential roommates make it this far in the social media vetting portion of their roommate search: this is not only satire but also complete ficti— wAIT LET ME EXPLAIN