Somewhat Sincere II
An Advice Column
I am a recovered serial monogamist and now have been single for two years. I have become so entrusted with myself that I can't imagine having to share my life like that again. I want to have that person, that intimacy again but when I think about what it would mean to act on a crush, the reality of opening my life up like that again dissolves any feeling. What do I do? I want to love freely again. It feels like I'm walling myself away.
Do your best to forget everything you know about the story of your previous relationships. Imagine you are a wanderer in the night, with a simple lantern to light your way. You can only see one, maybe two steps forward at a time. Yet, you are safe, because the step in front of you is always lit, and it is always within your power to take it, or stand still, or turn around.
Loving freely does not mean loving all at once. Loving freely means trying what you want to try, safe in the knowledge that you can adjust as you go.
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How many alarms is the right number. Also what time girl
One for when you need to wake up, and one a hour later for when you need to leave.
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If I feel like I’m always trying to live life to the fullest, do you have any ideas on how to get excited about more subtle and peaceful moments?
lush circle of green
leaves no gap— tender corners
cradled by sweet blade
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How did you grow your circle as an adult?
Host events that you can invite new people to. Introduce people to each other. Believe people when they say they want to hang out with you.
About half of my friendships unfolded slowly, perhaps awkwardly, while the other half felt like immediate kinship. Value both, and put intentional effort into those you find interesting and/or comforting. Allow people to exist in your life at whatever degree they’re comfortable with.
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I’m getting married next year and I have so many people I want to be part of my special day but I don’t want certain friends to be part of the bridal party...even though some of them are close friends of mine from college. Should I just have them in the party to make them feel important or should I disappoint them and stay true to what I want for the day? How do I explain that to a person?
Oh my god, stay true. Stay true!!! Who’s to say they’ll even be upset? Being in a bridal party sounds like a lot of work. Maybe they’ll be relieved to just get to show up and enjoy the wedding.
If you’re sure they’ll be disappointed, I would send a note with the invitation and say something like, “I am keeping things simple in terms of bridal party because I don’t want to stress myself out. You are so dear to me. I’m really looking forward to celebrating with you.”
Right? Something like that?
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Why do I feel so compelled to stroke a man’s ego and make them feel good even though I just met them? They don’t deserve it but I can’t help it.
I, too, feel threatened by the male ego, and that feeling often causes me to forget that we all have egos.
My question for you is: Do you think you only do this with men? Perhaps you are a very generous listener to all, and you only notice your generosity when it’s turned towards men who you’ve been told should work to earn your attention.
My advice to you is: Never treat somebody based on what they “deserve”. “Deserve” is not real. Act with as much compassion and care and attention as you have to give, because withholding any of that would be a betrayal of your own heart. Why suffocate yourself to punish another?
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What are the ways that insecurity can serve us? How can it be useful? When do you find out its limitations have been met?
Hey!! WHAT!
Who fucking wrote this. Message me.
When I try to wrap my head around insecurity as a whole, I’m met with branching definitions. First: a lack of stability, shaky ground. Second: a lack of confidence, feelings of inferiority. By either definition, insecurity could function like an indicator light, signaling when we’re not feeling properly supported.
When we see someone’s insecurity on display, we can easily identify with it because of the agony we have over our own. I think, when expressed, insecurities can bring us closer to people. “I’m feeling insecure about (blank)” is a powerful, disarming sentence. It can show others how to relate to us, how to care for us better. It reminds us of our shared humanity.
It follows that the usefulness of insecurity reaches its limit when we express it, and receive appropriate reassurance and care, and the insecurity remains destructive to our goals. At that point, I’m not sure what to do, but lucky for me that wasn’t part of your question.
I had this revelation about jealousy a few years ago— how you could use it like a compass, pointing in the direction of what you really want. Maybe insecurity is like a chisel, or something?? That we can use to poke holes in these big protective walls we put up? (insert Leonard Cohen line about the cracks and the light and blah blah blah)
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Is cool a state of mind?
I think… it is a byproduct of earnest expression.
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How can we start revolutions?
I’m sure you mean politically, which scares me because I’m not confident I can contribute very useful, specific, advice on that front.
In general, I think leading by example can go a long way. Inviting instead of scolding. An inside out approach of building trust and opening minds.
Never underestimate the power of gossip.
Have a united understanding of what exactly you’re fighting against – not who.
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What is something you love to hate?
This is not an advice-seeking question but I’ll tell you anyways. Raincoats. Litterbugs.
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When you’re debating transportation options, how long of a walk is too long? At what point do you take the train?
Walk as long as you need to show up with a clear head & dry clothes. Take the train when you don’t have time to do that.
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How do I manage my screen time while still being in touch with internet culture?
We are all in VERY small online bubbles. I don’t believe Internet Culture is functionally much different anymore from the geographically-based, smaller cultures we had pre-Internet. Go hang out with some weirdos, you’ll be cooler for it.
Choose 1 comedy podcast you like and let that serve as your pop-culture update. They’ll scroll through the shit for you and tell you what you need to know.
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How do I stop being so comfortable with rotting away an entire day of my weekend as a 9-5 girly?
By going out at night, ayyyyyyy.
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I always feel better after waking up and getting things done early, but not enough to motivate myself to sleep early (in order to wake up early the next day). Help!
I read something the other day along the lines of “human beings are not meant to be always regulated, always optimized for efficiency. You will never ‘figure out’ ‘the routine.’”
I think it’s about being less hard on yourself, and learning to listen to your body moment to moment. If you enjoy your nights, to hell with the morning.
If none of that is helpful, and you’re seeking more concrete advice to willpower your way forward with: set an alarm for 15min before sunrise, lay out some sweats to roll into, and go for a walk as quickly as you can get out the door. No headphones. Listen to the birds. Take generally the same route each day.
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I feel like there’s never enough time in the day to do everything I want, but then I also feel like this gives me choice paralysis which wastes more time. How do I deal???
Assign yourself some obligations.
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How do you stop seeking out external validation?
Inside you there is a creature on which you have dumped all of your shame. She hides in the recesses of your soul, and lashes out in defense when glimpsed by yourself or others.
Picture her and all she embodies — desire, attachment, laziness, whatever it may be — as clearly as you can. Face your creature-self and tell her, “I love you. I want you here. We can hang out for as long as you’d like.” Or, at least, that’s what mine likes to hear.
The point is, make her feel welcome and safe. Make taking care of her your number one priority in every situation from here on out.
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Why do we say "I would die for my significant other" but neglect to live this out day to day?
If you want to be romantic about it, I’d suggest learning to embrace the little deaths that befall each of us when we make the continuous choice to share our lives with another. I believe there are parts of ourselves that probably just cannot live in a coupling. These are significant, conscious deaths, worthy of mourning.
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How have you cultivated so many cool interests? Where are you most often inspired? Books? Instagram? Be real, idc if its writing on the bathroom door.
Can you give me a list of my cool interests? I’m having a hard time envisioning my wholeness without dismissing every one of my hobbies as things I’ve tried and then given up.
Insecurities aside,,, I think the student/teacher dynamic is a real gift for both parties, so I often seek it out. If you find somebody else’s hobby intriguing, ask them to teach you.
Your other questions are not advice-seeking, but I will answer them anyways because they flatter me :)
If we’re talking media, I am most intensely inspired by books, I think. Both good and terrible pieces of writing seem to light me on fire. This can occasionally apply to writing on the bathroom door, or Instagram carousel dumps of Twitter screenshots. Writing is where I can see craft most clearly.
In a more thematic sense, when I don’t understand something, it haunts me. I am most inspired by things that work, but do not make sense.
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How can I get better at sharing my feelings with others? I usually keep everything bottled up inside and am afraid of scaring people away.
Heard. Yeah. It’s really hard.
Start by identifying one person in your life who you feel very safe around. Share a small feeling with them, and see how they respond. Hopefully, because they’re someone you trust, they’ll respond with grace and care. Keep doing this, slowly, with higher and higher stakes feelings and people. Eventually, confrontation will start to feel like opportunity.
You will likely always need to summon some bravery to get the words out — that won’t go away. In my experience though, the vocal ownership of your feelings becomes somewhat addicting. You feel more alive each time.
You will scare some people away. You have no control over that. To push through that fear, I like to visualize the worse possible reaction before I say something scary, because I know that if it actually happened, I’d ultimately get through it.
TLDR: Practice being completely honest in small doses, and think about each time you do it as just that — practice.
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Can you link me to the one that wants to win Minecraft (anonymously)? I am the key I'll help them win.
Are you seeing this, Minecraft inquirer from 14 months ago? We have an opportunity here. BOTH of you— email me right now. Let me orchestrate something beautiful.
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Thanks for playing <3 Your questions let me step outside of myself, and then back into myself from a different direction.
Hope you’re enjoying the spring air,
Jordan