Somewhat Sincere III
An Advice Column
Finding peace in releasing the past is really hard — I want to just dig and search but it’s relentless and I’ve given so much of my time to an excavation that will never be the past.
I advise you make something out of your digging and searching — can be anything. Compile the evidence you have, and make as much sense of it as you can, and explain it in an art form that you finish, and let remain finished. There it will live, without your need to tend to it any longer. Our understanding of the past is always just a story we tell ourselves. Through this process you will decide what story is helpful for you, and you will create the ending that makes the most sense.
How do you truly release your parents expectations? And men’s expectations??
I think it has something to do with sex.
Are we all just living in a grief spiral? I feel like your 20s are just grieve what you’d otherwise die searching for.
If your grief feels like a spiral, then maybe you’re not letting yourself complete the grief cycle.
To live is to be in love with the world is to grieve it. Every day of your whole life, this will be true. But through grief we get to experience freedom.
+Read The Bell Jar?
Thoughts on limerence?
It’s hell, and Honest To God, Zoloft is the only thing that’s ever helped me with this. Don’t beat yourself up if you’re stuck in limerence - it took chemical interference for me to feel normal when this was one of the things I was struggling with. TO BE CLEAR I’M NOT SAYING MEDS ARE THE ONLY SOLUTION OR A SURE SOLUTION,,,, THAT’S JUST WHAT HELPED ME xoxo
How do you motivate yourself to create art when you’re in a slump or feeling uninspired?
Is it cynical of me to say I don’t think art is something anybody should make, but rather something we can end up making? The best art is always just a byproduct of personal investigation. If you don’t feel inspired, maybe you just don’t have much to say right now, or much to figure out. Live a life outside of your art and you will develop questions, and the way you answer those questions might look like art. [shrug emoji]
Why is your fashion sense so good?
I’m so flattered that you think so. I’ve become a bit of a ~materials~ snob lately, and I think that’s honed my discernment when buying clothes. In my final form I’ll be one of those women who gets her clothes tailored.
++If you want to read more about various women’s relationship with clothing, I recommend the book Women In Clothes by Leanne Shapton, Sheila Heti, and Heidi Julavits.
I’m worried I like being treated a little like shit in a meaningful relationship. How do I adjust my mindset to build with a partner who actually cares about me?
You have to be curious about what might happen if you tried a more caring relationship, and you have to hang in there for a couple cycles of doubt. Experience precedes desire, so sometimes you have to let yourself try something for a little while in order to find you like it later. When you get the opportunity, observe yourself and take note of how you feel in the caring relationship, and how it impacts the rest of your overall functioning. In the meantime, try to identify what you like about your own life that’s compromised by an uncaring partner.
How do you know if the problem is them… or some crippling / messed up / broken part of yourself seeking problems?
It can be both. We have a tendency to latch on to the very people we know will trigger our pain points. Eckhart Tolle explained the concept of the Pain Body in his book, A New Earth. Here’s a short clip of him talking about it on Oprah. You must observe your pain cycle to discover you’re the problem.
I had a sneaking suspicion this year that it was, in fact, me, because I felt a great dissonance between what I thought was reasonable for myself to feel (based on 26 years of knowing myself), and what I actually felt. For many reasons, these cyclical anxieties and self-esteem issues only ever came up when I was dating someone. Medication helped me push through my attachments to find clarity, and grace with myself, and grace for my partner.
If your head and your heart feel in vastly different places, maybe consider it’s you, and ask yourself what kinds of rewiring you might need to do to get out of this pain cycle.
If you (and your loved ones — ASK THEM) think your emotions are reasonable responses to how you’re being treated, then maybe it’s them!
If you’re having trouble eating and sleeping, the problem is likely them.
Do you really like them or do you just work with them?
In school, I used to get what I call “survival crushes” in my most insufferable classes. Let me explain—
I believe a crush is only ever about you. Desire! Is! A! Compass! Crush = an influx of energy pushing you in a specific direction. Crush = catalyst.
Maybe your work crush is a way to keep you engaged in working.
I once had a crush that went absolutely nowhere but made it easier for me to move across the country. Crush = manufactured hope?
Any advice for moving to the other side of the country alone?
I did this a few times before landing in New York. All were transformative. All were emotional Goliaths. All turned out just fine. Life will take care of you when you follow your intuition. Develop trust with yourself by seeking and surviving new experiences, and enjoy the rare opportunity for reinvention.
Most underrated accessory?
My friends are SO good at wearing brooches/pins, but I haven’t yet gotten the hang of it. Trust me though, they’re chic.
Can you talk about dating again after not for a really long time?
Give yourself the gift of a really good support system first.
Approach dating like an activity in itself, not the means to an end.
Flirting is self-expression!!!
Keep the momentum. Don’t let one negative experience stop you from continuing to date. Take small breaks, but for the first year try not to stop completely.
It’s all just practice, it’s all just learning, none of this is a test <3
Is it too late to change?? I feel like I’ve been trying to for a long time but now I’m too solidified.
Never! NEVER!
If my parents have taught me one thing, it’s that we not only can change, but we are changing. Constantly. Love changes you. Hardship changes you. Aging changes you. Culture changes you.
Change comes not from trying, but from curiosity and openness. We cannot know what we’re changing into, but we can allow the change, and follow the change, and then righttttt as we’ve forgotten about our desire to change, we find ourselves changed.
Keep the situationship going and have fun or cut it off?
If you’re:
actually having fun
don’t feel like your sense of self is leaving you
think you’re being a fully communicative and honest person to your partner
then I encourage you to continue.
A friend recently brought up how we used to call these things Love Affairs. Say it with a sad sigh, and with the bounce of romance in your step, and with the shimmer of a tiny, turned hourglass in your eye. If that doesn’t represent the vibe at least a little, then maybe end it.
Not as sad as I thought I’d be over my breakup… nothing was wrong with the relationship, but there was some growing we both realized we needed to do on our own. 1. Am I a bad person for not being distraught? 2. Advice on differentiating between whether I’m running away from fully grieving/feeling my feelings vs actually moving on?
The most painful part of a breakup is usually the grieving of your lost self. In my experience, that particular abandonment hurts a lot more than the pain of not seeing your partner anymore. Perhaps you didn’t lose yourself, or if you did, you feel relief at the return you’re now experiencing.
When I was 18 I ran away from my grief for years, because I didn’t expect to need to grieve. I was embarrassed by my pain, and by how it stuck around much longer than I deemed reasonable. One tell that I was avoiding my feelings was that I didn’t ever verbalize them.
Although your situation is the opposite, my advice is the same: try to let go of your idea of how you’re supposed to feel. If, in your body, you feel light, and hopeful, and calm, and like you’re moving through the world honestly, then that’s wonderful and I’m so happy for you and I hope you can honor your own happiness.
Advice on motivating yourself to work out?
Try constructing an alternate reality for yourself where working out is contagious. Someone just ran by you on the street? Oh no… you’re looking kinda restless there bud… I think you’re comin down with somethin…
***To the 33 year old gay man in suburban Southern California, dm me if you want a tarot reading. If I don’t hear from you I’ll think on your question a little longer and post a response on my story :)
with love,
Jordan
Wisdom!!!
Beautiful