Umbrella Etiquette

For Pairs

the taller person in the walking pair should bear responsibility for holding the umbrella

*if the taller person is in charge of finding directions, then the shorter person should take on the umbrella.

**if the taller person does not have free and/or able arms, then the shorter person should hold the umbrella, and maybe help them carry a thing or two.

***if the shorter person lifts weights, then they should volunteer to hold the umbrella to either A) show off their strength, or B) ease their guilt at skipping a day this week.

****if the shorter person is male and the taller person is female, the male should take the umbrella and hold it higher than he naturally might, over the females head, to display gentlemanly manners.

*****if this is a romantic coupling and both parties are of the same gender, then the person with the greatest devotion to the other should prove their devotion by holding the umbrella at an appropriate height for the other, while the person not holding the umbrella proves their superior devotion by not complaining of the dripping on their shoulder.

******if there is any question as to whether this is a romantic coupling, then the path forward can be determined by how well the person wielding the umbrella shares their canopy, and how elated or embarrassed the other reacts. For example, if the umbrella person holds the umbrella over only their own head, that is a clear sign that 1) they are not interested in a romantic connection, and 2) they are an asshole. Non-umbrella person may feel relieved at this news, causing them to ignore the dick move of not sharing the umbrella. In this case the pair continues on, in silent agreement of their friendship. However, if non-umbrella person feels sad and embarrassed by the thoughtless dripping on their forehead, we can only hope that they also feel decisive. It is time to let this asshole umbrella-holder go. Now, if umbrella person does do a thorough job of sharing the umbrella, and non-umbrella person finds themselves blushing and perhaps scooting in closer to make umbrella person’s job easier, the path forward is clear. If, however, non-umbrella person becomes stiff and awkward out of embarrassment, umbrella person can take that as a sign that they don’t seek to be cared for in that way. The chain of reaction then passes back to umbrella person, who may start to feel sad and embarrassed at their mistake, but unsure where to go from here. Alternatively, umbrella person may feel fine with the news, in which case they should crack a joke to diffuse the tension and reach agreement that in their case, holding the umbrella can exist as a gesture of friendship rather than romance.

*******if the person not in possession of the umbrella is wearing a raincoat, fuck that person. the non-raincoat wearer can and should keep the umbrella all to themselves, and the pair should compare dryness levels when they arrive at their destination. (hint: umbrella wins)

Wishing you a crispy clear January day with no need for protective rain-gear,

Jordan